Insight

These are the words of a mind that's torn.

Giving in to images and urges so forlorn.

Afraid to live, yet afraid to die,

Apathy prevents solace, the embitterment of my soul and I.

Am I built to be alone and love one who’s unknown and unclear?

Yet again, caught in a sea of the familiar pain of my peer.

I curse myself,

Too many shadowed thoughts cloud my mind,

One words answers instead of what once resembled happiness so kind,

These words shall not shine through such opaque water,

A journey so bleak you cannot help but falter.

Follow in line, another break down, melt down, again I am here no more,

Displacement, tremble in the fear of losing myself, losing yourself, losing itself forever more!

Those deigned to help seem to resemble the devil, the anti christ, the lycanthropic demon,

Their supposed happiness crawls so elusive in the dark of the PhD heathen.

Snapped back to reality by a calm voice hard to behold,

You are dragging yourself down, I am told,

You allow this state of being, I am told,

By the one who thought a few choice words could make the past disappear.

I am told my head is too dark for you to hold,

Onto the nearest black horizon shall I steer.

Such paranoia will ask;

Will you give up on me,

Are you here for status?

For money?

Do you have a caring side?

Are you as detached in your medical notes as you are in real life?

You fake emotions that burn in my mind as you sit across from me,

With that cool, sympathetic smile and dispirited eyes,

Your lackluster understanding camouflaged as care,

I can see right through you with one simple stare.

But a room full of them, watching me as I stew,

Professionals apparently knowing my mind as I do,

Reminds me of a hospital bed with doctors peering round corners to see the mad girl,

In a haze of sterile, bleached smells how my head does whirl.

I thank you for your textbook thoughts,

The words of other people stolen and rewritten by your hand,

Do not toy with my head and it's onslaught.

My mind is your playground,

Poked by different people, diagnosed, medicated, a state of me to be,

This is my minefield, my nemesis, my own treachery.

Denial is just another form of passive hatred in the bitterness your professional opinion has caused in me.

  

All I know now is your exasperation and frustration,

That I do not get better with each visit in desperation,

That my mind is still subject to it's own poisonous woe,

A past aching from deep inside my mind it does show.

So just make an appointment,

Next time I will be fine,

Just complain for an hour,

While less than sympathetic eyes roll around my words,

Your replies;  apathetic and concerned.

Aloof recommendations, they hurt inside my head.

You don't want the responsibility of my descent on your time, or on your mind instead.

- Rose

Dream The Night Away

I survive in a galaxy of my elusive dreams,
My bubble of safety, of comforting seams.
On a wave of imagination I wonder what I will find,
Surrounded by the colourful pillars of my mind,
Into the gloom, Into the light,
Each tale as unique as the moonlit night,
Enveloping mystical golden hues, oh how they flair!
Spirits of such mumbles seep through clotted orange air,
Ruptured lush valleys slide into warm seas,
As dusting's of snow mingle on high topped peaks,
Iridescent autumn reds glisten along the earthy banks of the creeks.
Swimming through circles of colours unknown to such eyes,
I set sail across the beauty of the ocean's blue tides.
Lilac posies and yellow roses spring up from the ground,
Concerts of perfumed flowers sing soft, sweet sounds,
Underwater, in the sky, across vast space and land,
I travel the universe but as it crumbles like quick sand,
In my flickering eyelids as my mind starts to wake,
Journeys of imagination begin to break,
But tonight, my dreams I will visit once more,
For dreams are the keys to imagination's doors.

Futile Fantasy

Two little words that mean less than I,
The lack of feeling in your eyes makes my heart need to fly.
The deepest of yearning, the sorrow with which you speak,
Stalks the demons in my head during my ever darkest streak.
Following my deepest thoughts down into an eternal black hole, 
I wish forever to be away from that which takes it's toll.


Ignorance and pain, they can both live hand in hand,
Together, yet so far apart thrust in this foreign land,
So far from a homely voice, an ever loving touch,
The coldness of my soul sighs to the shatters of which I clutch.
Emotions so intense they crush my mind under such weight,
A despair so hungry for my soul, egregious an attempt to satiate.


Darkness becomes the sacrosanct,
I breathe through it with such consequence,
Few know the true road of the unknown and unfair,
Yet so many walk along the same train tracks in mid-air.
Souls from lives past lay frozen beneath a rocky path of life,
Sucked into an oblivion through the lonesome blackness in their strife,
Yet others walk away unscathed, unaffected by the trials of which they fight!


If only we were all spared such torment from this land,
The chance to all walk towards the future, forever hand in hand,
But such dreamy tales of fanciful thoughts amount to nothing in this world
For as I know inside such minds, a cruel lifeless void can unfurl


- Rose

The Gift

Always life is a gift
Clutched in nature's arms we exist
With unclear purpose nor reason
Untold destiny and fate
Happiness thrives inside love, dies inside hate
Though depths of the mind may make life negate
A gentle touch of kindness and warmth can elate


Life is to be cherished, a gift to be sustained
With love's often embrace through all of time's refrain
Life must be endured throughout the anguish and the pain
But to ease such aching sorrow through life's rocky lane
Are gifts to ourselves in our desperate times of strife
Like the warmth of compassion, empathy, the laughter in our lives

So look up and around, take in all you see and knew

As the wonders of living are all around you

-  Rose

_______________________________________________

This poem is probably a bit hippy-ish. It is about gratitude for what is around us. 

On the 2nd December, it was one year since I tried to end my life, and I began to think what had changed for me since then. For me, often the beauty and positivity in this world gets lost in the hatred, death and misery that surrounds us daily. Sometimes our minds and emotions become hardened, apathetic to what we see.  With such negativity that surrounds us, it can be easy to overwhelm and overload ourselves with negativity, making it harder to see the good things in life through the ever more dense fog that is depression.  But the positives are still there.. they just need to be found. 

:)

Cynical Innocent

I used to believe love to be pure

The kind of thing that lasts evermore

I always believed it to be like the dove

Like the wholesome beauty of "All You Need Is Love"

But now my heart, it aches and it bleeds

As I watch while my beloved one leaves

It is cracked, bitter, cynical and sore

Yet still innocent, naive, virtuous and pure

I gave each of you all of my trust

To be delivered with all of my sorrow and lust

Yet by all, I am used and discarded too

Treated painfully without issue

But now as I write, lyric and rhyme, I realise one day I will see

At once all the love that is meant for me

So this cynical innocent believes once again, it will be like the dove

And the only thing you'll ever need in this life is love

-   Rose

Dearly Parted - A poem about grief

Whirlwinds of memories pass me through
I sit, I stare and I wait for you
Fallen leaves are teardrops of the season on the ground
Autumnal breezes linger on without sound


Above the skies, emptiness begins
So beautiful the swirling heavens, a mystery within
Yet in this time, so cold and bitter is the frost
Eternally you sit above, you who are all I have lost


The warmth of the world where you are now, no living thing can follow
Such a sobering thought for the soul, the love in sorrow
The day your light left this place on Earth
Is the day my life left all it's mirth


For gone are you, my beloved friend 
In my heart you will be, til the bitter end.


_______________________________________




Unfortunately, everybody experiences grief at some time in their life. The loss of a loved one is never easy, the road of grief is paved with such hardness and sorrow.  We all react to grief in different ways, and it can course through us in waves.  One thing we can do is to remain strong and be united with others who share in feeling grief. 


My love goes to everyone who has ever felt grief.
Rose xxx

Untitled Poem 1

The days I sit
Pondering this gift
Does this world mean less than this?
The lesser of life, the dredge of humanity
The resolve of love, of money, of sanity
The calm of ignorance
The salt without sea
Leaves with that of a bitter taste in me
Is life so sacrosanct to properly see?




- Rose